The Christmas Story Explained by Rupperpoots

We have had a lot of requests, recently one even came with a friendly threat which is why we got right on it, to post some of the stories that Ray Kaattari wrote for South Side Story starting in about 1995 until just before he passed away in 2011. As “Rupperpoots”, Ray wrote about everything from saunas to his trips to Newfinnlant and Lorita, to the books he wrote (there were five) and, of course, his Finglish versions of Bible stories. For those who didn’t know Ray, he wrote his columns in Finglish which was a hilarious combination of the Finnish and English languages.

And so as a first story we thought posting the Finglish version of the Christmas Story would be appropriate for the season.

As always, Rupperpoots’ stories are best read aloud for maximum enjoyment. Good luck – it even took us a while to remember how to decipher Finglish again.

Ray Kaattari rupperpootsVell soon vuss komen tat Rissmess time aken, venn effryputty kerrit so pissy kerring retty for tat tay, pying Rissmess ressents, pringing inta foot for to eat an tat pooce for lotsu toce rinks, an tay yoost ket all pooped out for tat bick tay! Most uss ket so pissy vee nutt memper mutts vy ve too all tiss pissiness. Tair soot pee only vun reesun farce I see ennyvay, an tat pee pecuss tat Yeesooce Rye-st vuss pee porn pout two towsent yeerce ako. Memper tat story vits vuss pee inta Pypull? Case you nutt reet tat story for long time I koing tellit now for you. You looken up tat story in Matyou anta Luuk case you tinkso tiss story nutt pee yackly ta vay it soot pee.

Yeesooce’s mutter vuss callet Mary, putt peefore see vuss marreet to tat Yosef, see vuss tollet pye Kaypree-el, vun uff tem ainchels, tat see vuss koing to havet tat paypee poy, an hiss name kaaru pee kallet Yeesooce. Poy! vuss see surprice cuss see nutt yet havet tat husspent. Putt tat ainchel tellit her nutt for to vorry cuss tat holy spirit from Kawt vuss konna maken tat habben. Mary vuss ten say to letting it habben korting to Kawt’ vort.

Now tat Yosef who vuss tat koot karpenter, an who vuss tat Mary’s fiance, vuss lirrol pit pairassed pout all tiss, and vuss tinken maypee he soot nutt kerring marreet for her, an kerrit out vile he ayple. Putt neks vuss komen nutter ainchel vile he vuss treeming, ant tellit him to nutt no neffer mynt pout tat. Marry tat Mary, he say, cuss see vuss only preknant pye tat holy koast. An tat poy see vuss koing to havet vuss kaaru pee kallet Yeesooce, cuss he koing safing all hiss beeples from tair sinse.

Ven tat Yosef vaking up from tat treem, he pee habby kie, an soon he kerrit marreet to tat Mary yoost like tat ainchel vuss tollet him for to too. Putt heece neffer new her till tat paypee vuss porn.

Now pout tiss time tem Romans havet tat bick sot tay kallet Emporer Seesir Akustuss, an he vawnet to fining out how menny beeples vuss living in hiss empire. (He vuss komen to hiss senses). So all tem beeples kaaru ko to tair hometown vair tay vuss pee porn to kerrit rekistert, an tay nutt liken tat verry mutts.

Poor Yosef he kaaru ko all ta vay from tat Nassaret town vits pee in Kalilee, all ta vay to Petleehem vair vuss porn tat King Tayvit. Tayvit vuss tat kie who havet all tat fun vit tat Patseepaw, an hoo ass vell vuss killet tat chyant Ko-lyet vit tat lingsot yeerce pefore, an riting all toce sawms. Memper tat? Ennyvay tay ko to Petleehem town vit tat Mary riting on tat tonkey (ass you know).

Ven tay vinely kerrit to tat hotel in tat town, tat owner vuss say tay nutt kaaret nun room, putt tair vuss tat stayple tay koot haff reely seep iffen tay vawnt. Yosef say sewer, kuss tat Mary vuss soon koing to havet tat paypee – qvik! Sewer nuff, tat nite vuss komen tat paypee, an Mary vuss rappen him in toce svawtling cloce (vawt effer tat means) an poorit him tat maintser, cuss tair pee nun room in ta in.

Now tair vuss sum tem seepherts piting inta feelts vawtsin tair vlocks pye ta nite, an tay kerrit reely skairt tat nite cuss tair pee puntsis of ainchels komen town from tat sky. Putt ven tay see how skairt tem seepherts pee tem ainchels tellit tem to nutt pee skairt cuss tay pringing tairings uff krate yoy for all ta beeples uff tat vorld. Tay vuss say tat tat nite in Tayvit’s town vuss porn tat lil kie hoo vuss Rye-st ta Lort.

Ten all forta sutten vuss komen lotsu more tem ainchels, an tay vuss singen pout Klory to Kawt in tat highest and peece for all tat ert. (How come vee still nutt havet tat peece?) So tem seepherts ket all excite an say eets to ta nutter, “Less ko an see vutt vee vuss pee tole pout!”

So vay tay ko an sewer nuff tay fynting tat paypee lying in tat maintser yoost like tem ainchels vuss saying. Tay tollet Mary an Yosef vawt tem ainchels vuss pee saying pout tat paypee, an Mary vuss tinken lotsu pout tat in her hart. Ten avay toce seepherts ko, singen toce braces to Kawt, cuss it vuss habben yoost like tem ainchels vuss tolling tem.

Now soon vuss komen some toce vice kies from tat East who liken to looken at tem stars plinking inta nite. Tay vollow tat vun prite star an soon vuss asken airypary roun vair tat paypee vuss, hoo vuss porn to pee tat king.

Tat voxy King Herrit hert pout tiss an kaarit very uptite pye tat nooce. So he kallet all hiss bick sot breests an titsers uff ta law, an vuss asken tem vair ta Messiah voot pee porn. Ven he fine out it vuss koing to pee in Petleehem, he kallet toce vice kies toketter and say (oh so voxily) tat ven tay fine tat lirrol Messiah tay soot telling him rite-avay, soce he ayple to ko an vorsip him ass vell.

Ten tem vice kies vollote tat star cuppla more tays an nites, an ven it vinely stoppet ofer Petleehem, tay koing insite for tat stayple, valling on tair nees, an kivvee tat paypee tair kifts uff kolt, rankinsents, ant murr.

Putt tat Kawt vornet tem vice kies in a treem to nutt tellit tat Herrit nutting, so tay ko pak tair own kuntry pye nutter vay. Tay pee poory voxy too!

Poy tat Herrit vuss kerrit mat. He asken tat all tem paypee poys vutt effer vuss livit in Petleehem town, iffen tay vuss two yearce olt or yunker, tat tay pee killet. Putt tat Yosef anta Mary taken tat lirrol Messiah an ko like a sonomakun all ta vay to Eetsipt. Tay too tat soce tat prawfsee voot komen true ven ta Lort vuss say “I kallet mine son out of tat Eetsipt!”

So tair you ko. Tairs ta reel reeson vee sellyprate Rissmess, tat Yeesooce Rye-st vuss pee porn! Pee seeing you roun neks yeer. Hauska Joulua ja Onnellista Uuta Vuota! from Rupperpoots.

Ray Kaattari

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