City Proposes Repurposing Sudbury Arena to Grow-Op

If the rumours buzzing around City Hall hold true, Greater Sudbury is ready take the lid off a top-secret billion dollar revenue-generating project on Saturday, April 1st that could change Sudbury’s nickname from the Nickel Capital to the Dime Bag Capital of Canada.

According to unnamed sources at Tom Davies Square, at 4:20 p.m., City officials are preparing to roll out a research paper code-named “This Bud’s For You” (TBFY) announcing a cutting-edge, marijuana grow-op in the Downtown core that has the potential to solve our City’s $900 million infrastructure deficit, while generating nearly $50 million in annual profits for Sudbury that could bloom into one billion dollars in profits for the City over the next 20 years.

If all goes according to plan, the goal of TBFY is to set up a massive homegrown mega-plant filled with pot plants in the Sudbury Community Arena, which is expected to be mothballed over the next couple of years due to its age and the pending arrival of a replacement arena.

The final details of TBFY remain to be hashed out as the budding report has been kept under wraps waiting for the Liberal Government’s green light signalling the start of the formal legislation for the marijuana legalization process, which has now been announced for rollout in early April.

The TBFY unveiling on April 1st will also confirm that the City is close to receiving approval for a marijuana grow-op and distribution licence from Health Canada, and that they are ready to put down the roots for the new project as soon as the licence is approved over the next few months.

According to Herb Hempski, a marijuana researcher and project leader secretly hired nine months ago to draft the paper and provide the spark to the TBFY project, “We purposely chose 4:20 p.m. for this exciting announcement as 4:20 is a common slang word for marijuana. So it is the perfect time to light up this amazing announcement and show Sudburians the lucrative “Pot of Green Gold” at the end of the rainbow that TBFY will provide for all of our City’s future funding concerns.”

Sudbury ArenaIn an interview on March 31st TBFY Project Leader Herb Hempski says he believes that Greater Sudburians will welcome “This Bud’s For You” as a blossoming growth industry that will create jobs and immense profits for our City, while also bringing back the unforgettable aroma from the good ol’ days of the 70s and 80s’ rock concerts at the arena when Master John Boots and Bob Marley wearing t-shirt partiers smoked up the joint with burning doobies.

Hempski continues, “TBFY will easily eliminate our massive infrastructure deficit and allow us to realize on our dreams for a more prosperous future for all of us in Sudbury, while also creating jobs and boosting economic activity and tourism in the downtown core while also eliminating any need for tax increases for generations to come.”

Hempski explains why The Sudbury Arena is such a perfect place for a grow-op in so many ways. “The seats are set on a sloping base, so drainage of excess water run-off from the plants would never be an issue, as it would  flow downward to the floor area. During the winter months, the TBFY plans reportedly include using Zamboni ice shavings from area rinks that would be trucked into the grow facility as a water source for the plants, adding another element to the environmentally-friendly, recycling and repurposing elements of TBFY.”

Hempski adds, “The arena’s concession stands and the Farmers’ Market across the street would make a killing selling healthy munchies for those who are looking for a snack after sampling our crop, and the arena’s box office could even become a retail outlet serving walk-in customers who are looking for some fresh herb right from the plant.”

Hempski has been working in partnership with accountant Mary-Jane Roach, and the pair have put together financial projections for TBFY that show the potential of the Old Barn’s repurposed use as an agricultural cash cow that could make Sudbury the envy of other municipalities across the country.

Roach explains the math behind the green goal’s financial structure. “We have 4640 solid, plastic seats with arm rests in the Sudbury Arena. Each seat could hold one full-sized pot plant with the arm rests helping to keep the pots from tipping over during their 13 week grow cycle. By using the existing seating, we would save the start-up costs of having to buy expensive growing racks and stabilizing dividers.”

Roach provided confidential data showing that at four crops per year and each plant producing one pound of weed, this will add up to 18,560 pounds of the cash crop annually that will help satisfy the insatiable demand of ten million Canadians who are expected to legally consume nearly 1.5 million pounds of marijuana per year in the first year alone.

At $7 per gram, which is the average price Canada’s 130,000 prescription marijuana’s patients currently pay, the total annual revenue for the City from TBFY would be nearly $58.5 million. Annual expenses for the grow-op would come in around $8.5 million including wages and utilities and processing, which would provide a gross profit and free cash injection of $50 million to Sudbury’s annual revenue coffers.

“Seed capital for TBFY would come from the City’s $90 million reserve fund so no borrowing or debt financing would be needed,” says Hempski, who adds, “The major expense in the $10 million start-up budget would be the installation of a sliding roof similar to the Skydome in Toronto which would allow natural sunlight and rainwater to nurture the plants during the summer months by simply pushing a button and opening the roof.”

“Within 20 years, Sudbury could pay for much-needed bridge repairs, replacement sewer pipes and fresh asphalt on all of our streets, thanks to TBFY,” says Roach. “We could even pay for a new arena, an art gallery, library and maybe even that Poutine Hall of Fame building that some people have been craving for. The potential windfall for our City by legally fulfilling Canadians’ need for weed would be so mind-blowing, we might just have to change our City’s name to “Budbury” to reflect our new image and budding prosperity!”

Hempski adds, “We are known globally for our impressive re-greening efforts over the years, but this will take us to a whole new level where we will blaze a new trail and show the world that our hometown, best known for its mineral-rich rock, can also change with the times providing Canadians with a good legal stone,” says Hempski with his tongue firmly placed in his cheek as he checks his busy April 1st appointment schedule on his phone, which also happens to be April Fool’s Day.

Here’s a quick hit of Canadian marijuana facts.

Daniel Nichol, born on October 8, 1883 was the first child born in the Sudbury region. His parents were Jules and Vitaline Nichol.
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